Many ideas have been coming up since I started my TAE project yesterday. They have to do with interacting with groups. How to interrupt a group process to make space for more listening, reflection, without imposing.
In Dynamic Facilitation, which I have participated in with Rosa Zubizarreta, things are set up from the beginning so that the facilitator can reflect what is being said by writing it down on sheets labeled “Statements of the Problem”, “Possible Solutions”, “Data” and “Concerns”. Attention is on each speaker long enough for their contributions to be written down, and, I believe, for what comes next to be written down, because when someone is listened to, what comes next is often a further development of the initial idea. So it helps to have things set up in advance.
I am wondering how this could be extended in a friendly, playful, welcoming way, even when things are not set up in advance. That feels like the growing edge for me.
Can playfulness change my dynamic? It goes from “you gotta” to “what if”? Both come from my having an idea about how to do things better, but one is open-ended, no pressure, no imposition, re-grouping to look for the next opportunity to share something inevitable. I feel that in my chest as true self-confidence. My grandmother was actually a very funny, entertaining person.
Crux sentence: moving from “You gotta” to “What if”, I step into self confidence.
Keyword: “What if”.
Step 2: Looking for paradox or contradiction: When I think of “you gotta”, I get a subtle band of energy at the back of my head, like I’m putting on blinders. When I think of “What if”, there is a new feeling of spaciousness in my heart, but no guarantees. So sharing what I know is not done out of the old fear that no one will understand. It means suggesting or creating or modeling a different reality in which the hoped-for result is presented first, and then the floor can be opened to ideas of how to get there.
I am going to give you a play-by-play example of Focusing from my own life.
Triggering experience: I was at an online meeting with a group of friends. We started meeting over 25 years ago. We all used to live in the same small town, and had formed a support/listening group with each other while we all had young children. We each would take 15 minutes to share whatever we were going through without being interrupted. This “15 minutes for me” proved invaluable to us all as we navigated the seas of motherhood and selfhood.
So here we were, reunited after several years of not meeting. Five of us were together in one room in the town where we used to live, and myself and one other were online, via Skype. Skype was not working well, and I was getting increasingly annoyed. I had suggested before the meeting that we could meet by Zoom, which works much better than Skype when there are more than 2 computers involved. But no-one had encouraged me to pursue this idea, and I had not insisted. My annoyance with the inadequate technology was affecting my sharing when my turn came up.
Later I decided to Focus on this, because I didn’t understand why I had been so upset. In one way, it seemed like such an unnecessary attitude on my part. I hadn’t devoted a lot of energy to thinking about the technology before the meeting, and I had not prepared an easy way to shift over to the new technology if problems arose. So why couldn’t I just accept that, instead of getting mad about it? Also, I noticed I was blaming people in the group for not listening to me about the technology. I could have judged myself for overreacting and left it at that, but luckily, I had a Focusing partnership coming up, so I decided to look at what was going on that had made me so upset.
What came to me first: “I know that Zoom is much better than Skype for multi-person calls because I use Zoom all the time for my online classes. The other people in my women’s group don’t have to deal with these issues all the time, so they aren’t aware of the potential difficulties. If I had thought about it more, I could have gently guided everyone over to my Zoom room and used my experienced knowledge to set up a more successful online meeting.”
I noticed something in me that didn’t want to impose, didn’t want to insist, even though I clearly had the knowledge and experience to make the meeting better. The “not wanting to impose” felt like a buzzy, chaotic sensation in the lower part of my head. When I noticed and welcomed the sensation, I could feel that there was much more going on there. The feeling lowered into my throat, as if there were a war going on between two opposing tribes. “Yes, there does seem to be a lot going on inside about all this”, I realized.
I stayed with it in a Focusing way, and soon I could sense that the war was between my mother and my grandmother. My grandmother projected an aura of self-confidence. She was sure of herself. This led her to a lot of successful creative endeavors which are unbelievably inspiring. But her self confidence did not leave room for other people, especially for my mother, who was always doing her best to follow in the footsteps of her mother, all the while feeling an inner frustration and resentment at not being seen for her own merits, her own selfhood.
The felt sense of a battle had lowered into my body, where I could feel it as a pressure in my heart. As I stayed with it, I could feel that my loyalty was to my mother, and that implied a rejection of my grandmother’s tendency to steamroll those around her. In a restaurant, my grandmother would imperiously send food back if it were not to her liking. I always found that embarrassing. It seemed to symbolize everything I rejected about my grandmother, everything I didn’t want to be.
I could now see that insisting on having the right technology for my women’s group meeting reminded me too much of my grandmother. Even though I was very familiar with a better system, it would have meant imposing my will on the group if I had insisted on using Zoom. It was less complicated internally for me to just go along, without sharing what I know. That way I could maintain my inner loyalty to my mother, and not risk becoming a steamroller of others, like my grandmother.
Wow, interesting. So what is this showing me about my larger life now?
It came to me that I want to emerge from this period of my life with more confidence to share what I know. To find a balance between sharing what I know and feeling that I am imposing on others.
That evening I was going to go to a dinner for cancer survivors. I could feel myself facing the dilemma all over again–how can I share what I know in this new group of people who don’t know me? I realized that I could go to the dinner “armed” or “prepared”, by making copies of articles about the research done with Focusing and breast cancer by Doralee Grindler Katonah and Joan Klagsbrun. The research shows that even doing simple Focusing exercises like Clearing a Space, can prolong the lives of cancer survivors. This gave me a jumping off point for sharing what I know. At the end of the dinner, there was a brief time to introduce oneself and say what we were involved in. I mentioned the articles, and several people asked me for information afterwards.
So, gentle reader, if you have gotten this far, I have been describing an experience that can happen in a Focusing partnership.
I had an uncomfortable, triggering experience. I Focused on it with my partner and found that there was a lot more going on there than I had been aware of.
I already have a negative and a positive “instance” of the way this acts in my life:
Instance 1: I got angry at my women’s group for “not listening to me” about meeting on Zoom instead of Skype, even though I had not really explained the advantages or set things up to implement what I know.
Instance 2: I went to the cancer survivor’s dinner “armed” with articles about how Focusing has been proven to increase longevity in cancer survivors. It led to several inquiries about Focusing.
Thanks for listening!
“Working on the very process of “working creatively” creates a vast structure. At first I thought Thinking at the Edge was “only” about taking material which is vague and coming up with a fully formed thought that I could express to the world. And that it is! But we began by working on what was troubling us about our own process.
“We did many things that I had not encountered before in my Focusing practice, like writing after our Focusing sessions. We explored the patterns of our own experience, then used them as keys to unlock our own creative process so that the ‘product’ of our work could unfold.
“Why is it so difficult to understand what happens in TAE?At first you are working with what is diffuse, hard to perceive, latent, implied. You have a felt sense of it all, but it feels chaotic because it’s so full of diverse perceptions. Gradually you unpack them. They don’t yet have precise meanings. You are going from a world where you have self-mastery: “I know what these concepts mean and I am able to use them deftly”. You lose all that and come to invite undeveloped impressions that you have not yet explored. You look into your own life experience and follow what has a kind of allure. It’s all kind of dreamlike in the initial stages of “instancing” and “crossing”– then it starts to take shape.
“What I have come to at the end of the class is clear, precise, generative, and very usable!”
To hear yourself think…it helps to have somebody listen!
A Listening Partnership is not an ordinary conversation. It sets the stage for a special kind of listening.
There are two roles: the Explorer, person who speaks. And there’s the Listener.
After the Explorer’s turn, the Listener becomes the Explorer. But, at any one time, one person is either the Explorer or the Listener.
It’s different from an ordinary conversation.
Ordinary conversations are usually not focused on listening. Often, what we call a conversation is actually an argument – – you’re trying to convince each other that you’re right. Or one person is trying to be helpful, offering solutions, giving advice. In both cases, the listener is actively trying to make a point.
Of course, there are many situations in which giving advice or suggesting solutions is very appropriate, but not in a Listening Partnership. If the Listener starts to help or give advice, it takes away some of the Explorer’s precious space.
This is a very special space, a space where there is room for you, as the Explorer, to hear yourself think.
When you’re the Explorer, things slow down. The Listener is focused on listening to you. This helps you listen to what you feel in all its complexity. You go beyond the surface.
You will actually welcome moments when words seem to fail you, or when the words that come to mind don’t quite make sense. You listen for the “more” that is there, waiting to be sensed and expressed.
It’s a very special kind of paying attention. Like the way people pay special attention when they are at a wine tasting–holding a sip of wine in the mouth for a while, curious about all the nuances of the experience, as opposed to just saying: “It’s good” or “It’s bad”.
Like wine tasters who try to put words to their experience, you might struggle to put words to your experience. Don’t try to squeeze your brain to find the right words. Allow words to come out from the “taste” of the situation.
How does creative thinking emerge? Not by putting pressure on yourself, but by making space, allowing fresh ideas to arise. The very presence of the Listener makes this more possible.
The Listener is there for you, patiently listening to what you say, sometimes saying it back to you so you can hear it too. The Listener does not complete your sentences for you, doesn’t urge you to go faster or to be more articulate… The Listener simply stays with you so that you can listen more intently to your own thoughts.
It’s as if the Listener were saying. “I want to listen to you. I’m interested even in the process of your meandering, not knowing what you want to say. I’m going to stay with you as you go through it.”
Checking for resonance
Each time a word or phrase comes, the Explorer stays with it, gently comparing that word or phrase to the experience. Does it feel right? Does it describe the feel of the situation as a whole?
This is not about being logical. It’s about sensing whether it feels right or not. If it doesn’t totally feel right, then you, as the Explorer, can keep on exploring.
At some point, you find a word or phrase that fits your feeling more precisely. The Listener is there with you, so you can give yourself the time and space to make sure that what you say “resonates” with what you feel.
Wow. When you find that resonance, it feels so right!
It’s like it had been hiding in plain sight. As you are able to pay attention, to see things as they are, to hear yourself think, you get this “Wow!”
The Listener simply stays with you so that you are able to listen more intently to your own thoughts. This creates the space for fresh thinking to emerge.
Welcoming awkward silences
As the Explorer and Listener patiently wait for the Explorer’s words to come, there are moments of silence. In everyday life, that could be very uncomfortable. Here, instead of rushing to find something to say, you actually see the silence as a sign that something new wants your attention.
You welcome those moments when words seem to fail you. Of course, it can feel weird or troubling. It’s like you’re in the twilight zone, instead of the bright sunlight where everything is sharply defined. Being in that twilight zone, noticing the feeling without the words, actually stimulates your mind to go deeper.
The Listener stays with you so you know it’s OK to be have lost contact with the firm ground of clear meanings. This is where you can notice the “felt sense” of what is not yet in words.
Play with it!
Just do it. Explore your thoughts, or your feelings, in a Listening Partnership. Don’t worry about doing it right. Play with it.
You take turns, so that each one of you can have the space to hear yourself think, or feel. At the beginning, just take 15 minutes each.
You will get better at it with practice.
Thanks to Serge Prengel of activepause.com for developing this with me!
Everyone is so inspired and encouraged by the Women’s March.
How can we create new ways of acting in the world that directly address today’s political realities and at the same time reflect our deepest needs, goals and values?
Marshall Rosenberg’s theory of Nonviolent Communication has a lot to offer as we learn how to navigate this new political landscape. We need to step into our roles as courageous peacemakers now more than ever, so I want to make Focusing, NVC and and Thinking at the Edge available to people involved in political and social change.
I’d love to give a free one-hour introductory course online, so that you can see if you’d like to continue with the full 8-week course online or in person. Leave a reply below and we will work something out!
Everyone is so inspired and encouraged by the Women’s March.
How can we create new ways of acting in the world that directly address today’s political realities and at the same time reflect our deepest goals and values?
The old theories about how the world works don’t seem to hold water anymore. Focusing and Thinking at the Edge help us develop new ideas based on our own lived experience.
Maybe after the march you have an inkling about something you’d like to make happen, or participate in, but you can’t quite put it into words. With Thinking at the Edge, you will be supported in listening to and valuing this inkling, based on your own life experience. Spacious listening allows your inkling to develop into something you can talk about and act on.
Thinking at the Edge involves tuning in to the bodily felt sense of your inkling. That’s called Focusing. I will help you get into Focusing if you are not familiar with it.
We need to step into our roles as courageous peacemakers now more than ever, so I want to make Focusing and Thinking at the Edge available to people involved in political and social change.
I’d love to give a free 2-hour introductory course in your community, so that you can see if you’d like to continue with a course which can be given either online or in person. Leave a reply below and we will work something out!
Photo credit: Alma Har’el’s video of the I Can’t Keep Quiet choir